I can remember the first time I ever thought I was fat.
It was the summer between fourth and fifth grade. I was at our community swimming pool and couldn’t help but notice that the other little girls’ tummies weren’t as round as mine. Their legs weren’t as chubby. It’s very likely that we were all the same, but it didn’t change the way I FELT. That day set in motion years of an up and down battle with my exercise and eating habits.
I’ve never been what you would call a physically active person. I’ve always chosen curling up with a book over going for a walk. The only exception was spending hours upong hours dancing around our family room to Paula Abdul and New Kids on the Block or leaping about pretending to be a gymnast or figure skater. Unfortunately as I got older I realized my dancing was pretty embarassing so I retreated to bookworm-dom. I played sports on and off through high school but was never particularly good at any of them. I joined more for the social aspect (not much else to do in a small town) than for moving my body.
All through high school I thought I was fat. Looking back at pictures now I realize I was WRONG. Bad dresser – yes, overweight – no. My most desperate attempt at losing weight was a three day diet that involved dry canned tuna, frozen peas and vanilla ice cream. As you can probably imagine, it didn’t work. I can’t tell you why I was so caught up in how I looked. No one ever called me fat or ugly, but I was convinced that they thought it.
I think I was at my fittest during the spring semester of my freshman year of college. I worked out in the fitness center almost every day. I bought workout videos when I was home on spring break. I lost weight, but more importantly I felt better, stronger than I ever had. Until the summer came and I worked a full time job during the week and waitressed on the weekends. All of my hard work was erased in a matter of weeks as I had my fill of fast food lunches and free chocolate shakes.
I gained about 20 pounds through all of college. I was at my personal heaviest right around college graduation. After battling some personal issues I was more concerned with how I felt emotionally than with what was happening physically. I was dating the guy that would eventually would become my husband and he told me how hot I was. All the time. I never believed him. Later that year I joined Weight Watchers. I lost ten pounds but I was miserable. I hated counting every single thing I put in my mouth. So I quit. I put some of the weight back on, but not all. I didn’t really try to lose weight for my wedding because I knew I had a big, poufy dress and I’ve never really been that worried about my top half. I carry almost all of my weight in my butt, hips and thighs. I’m your quintessential pear shape.
My biggest problem (as you can probably tell) is a major lack of discipline. I can give you any excuse in the book for eating junk or not working out. For example, ”I’m starting on MONDAY. I’m going to eat whatever I want now to get it out of my system.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve used that one. I always get excited about how I’ll feel about being in better shape, but I forget how much work it takes to get there. Eating is the same way. I’ve always gravitated towards the things that are not healthy for me. At my new job they order in pizzas or subs or Chinese a few times each week and I have a really hard time saying no. I had french fries and ice cream for dinner last night, for Pete’s sake!
Most people would look at me and say, “You’re not fat.” Technically I know I’m not. I’m not obese. According to the charts I fall within a healthy weight for my height (albeit at the higher end of the range) but I FEEL heavy. And unhealthy. I know what I need to do, the hard part is actually DOING it.
Last fall I ran my very first 5k. For a person that insisted she was NOT a runner I was pretty happy with how it worked out. I didn’t lose any weight during training, but I did feel great when I finished the race under the time I’d set for myself. I’m planning to run another one this spring/summer. This time I have an even bigger goal. I want to finish in 33 minutes or less. An 11 minute mile may not seem that hard, but for me I can assure you it is.
But the 5k isn’t it. I also want to lose ten pounds by July 1st. As I mentioned in Wednesday’s post my 10 year high school class reunion is this summer. I would love it if I could look as good (hopefully better) as I did back then. I also want to feel good. I want to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see, rather than “eh, good enough”. There is also a possibility that we’ll be traveling to Europe this fall and I want to be able to enjoy it without being winded from all of the walking or thinking about how my clothes fit.
Each Friday I’m going to report in here. I’ll have an update on training – what I’m doing, how it’s going and possibly a countdown to the race. I’m also going to weigh in and give you the best and worst of what I ate for the week. I’d love it if you want to join me on either the 5k or the weight loss. We can keep each other accountable and on track. We’re all friends here and there will be NO judgement (seriously, if anyone says something that seems less than encouraging it will be DELETED).
Today’s Info
Weight: 140 (I weighed myself twice and got two different results so I’m using the average)
Goal: 130 (I would love to say 125, but I know me and I think 130 is more attainable for now)
Training: I worked out for forty minutes this morning with a recently purchased dance-inpsired DVD. The rest of this week was kind of a wash.
Eating: Best – I ate salads for lunch three times this week, Worst – everything else I ate this week
Anna
